the person with which you are always happy, thats the person you need to find and be with…  its mostly only temporary, and things go back to “normal.” however there are those ones that you lose all normal functioning for, on a constant and consistent basis. as bad as that may sound, i would do this forever to simply achieve this level of happiness for a single second more.

i swear this has been the best year of my life… and as i sit here with this project laying next to me, i cant help but feel guilty for trying to actually write something i want to. well i guess im not sleeping

also, this is very long and self-focused, so if you dont really care, dont read it :)

let see….

well for one, the dorm experience was more fucking amazing than i could have ever imagined. i feel so lucky that i ended up in E3G despite having put it as second or third on my housing choice last spring. ive made an absolutely incredible group of people who are now some of my greatest friends. we do some pretty stupid and or unnecessary shit sometimes, and may possibly land into some form of trouble (some more than others) at some point, but i still couldnt be happier that i will get to watch as we change over these years we will have together. for the good, or for the bad.

toofs, i have yet again managed to meet someone that is—and will continue to be—my giblet of joy (i was asked this in a interview once), despite my past downfalls and failures. im still in disbelief as to how this even happens to me, but hey im far, far, far, FAR away from complaining. i just pray that i manage to stay normal enough and that i can continue to make him happy.

i seriously havent felt this way in a long time… 

treee, im EMPLOYED. omg! liek, no way. Yes, way. simply put, i’ve never been employed before. i mean ive made money, but ive never been hired for my potential talent or responsibility. its so invigorating. even though im just in training, im still so excited. this is about driving buses btw. like city transit buses. i have a commercial B drivers permit and i’m going to make it a license. i also pray that i dont fuck this one up

four, im basically living on my own. i have to fend completely for myself. there is no one preparing food for me, so i seriously have to devise a schedule so that i actually am eating. and eating regularly. some of my friends think that im going to starve, ill prove them wrong by subsisting on basically nothing :)

there have seriously been so many good things about this year. im just sad that it went by so damn fast. seriously, is this how this whole experience is going to be?that kinda makes me a little sad. oh well, theres still plenty of time to cement awesome memories.

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but with the good there is the bad: to say the least, ive done a few things i regret this year. ill try to keep this from being too personal, but i think this will be my way to finally let everything go and get on with my life. no ive done nothing too terrible or too negatively karmic, but to say the least i definitely regret some stuff.

—certain things have happened because of my naivety. again some chill, some scarring. i wouldnt say that im learning the hard way, but this isnt a smooth course either.

—there are certain people that id love to see and spend time with again, but things change, priorities and situations, people change… i realize that i simply cannot do it all, or at least i cannot do it at the right times, and its so depressing. because i generally want people to be happy and not think im avoiding them, over all else.

i believe that a lot of what a person means to you is connected to how powerful the memories are that you share with them. maybe its just me, but there is something so amazing about connecting to someone about “that one time,” or “that one thing we used to do.” that momentary bridge that connects another’s thoughts to yours. i wish i could do this with as many people as i would like to, but i simply do not have the means.

—there are certain people that id love to see or talk to again, but i think i may have greatly damaged/neglected some bridges. i seriously feel terrible for some of these because, had i been a little more mature, things would never have happened as badly as they did. no i havent commited a mortal sin, but ive not been the most respectful/considerate person either. and im sorry… im still learning how this all works. 

—things are a little different with me. i bike everywhere. its seriously one of my favorite things to do, and i will do so even if the walk to class takes only a minute. i still run, but not nearly as often or as intensely (i can still whip out a five miler or something np). i watch what i eat a little more closely. but despite all of these changes ive developed some habits that are far from productive. i party more, i feast more, i am in complete control less, and these are all a result of bowling. i havent done anything too bad, but i could… and that scares me

—i need to reinstate my time management and diligence traits for suure. because i have summer session and summer training, i need to remember my priorities… despite everyone enjoying their time off around me. thats life. some one will always be having a good time without you. you cant be bitter or jealous of that (well maybe a little), but not to the point that it effects you. sometime, i’ll have my turn again too. now i just have to keep that in mind.

all in all, things aren’t horrible. they’re far from it. i simply have to grow up some. hopefully this wont be to painful of an aging process. hopefully i can start doing more than only moderately well at real life.

“no… not really. if you really wanted to, like really did, you wouldn’t need a reason”

if i don’t need a reason… then what is holding me back?

&& the more i think about it, the more i realize it applies to everything and nothing at the same time

always makes me so damn productive when it comes to things i dont really need to do right now… like cleaning, easy classwork, applying for jobs. lol.

why can’t i get motivation like this for the actual and important shit??